We're so cool

If hacking up flem is cool, then you can consider me and the rest of the fam Miles Davis. The Oh*** crew has come down with some sort of head/chest plague. Personally I think someone put a curse upon our heads Old Testament style. I've never seen my dad so sick. He laid around the house for several days making weird breathing-esque noises. I'm lobbying for burning the couch and the TV remotes to cleanse the house. I immediately started taking a whole regiment of vitamins, Zicam, and fruit juices. I seemed to ward off the worst of the symptoms but nonetheless succumbed to the flem. To bolster my "curse upon our heads" theory, my mom found out that she is allergic to everything from wheat to milk. And the consequence of eating these food is - you guessed it - flem. So, if anyone wants to make some quick money, buy all Kleenex stock you can afford.* On the upside though, my voice periodically falls an octave lower and obtains a gravelly tone that would make Johnny Cash jealous.

* Following the financial advice of the author should be done at your own considerable risk, considering his complete lack of knowledge of all things financial.